Dealing with panic disorder and agoraphobia the past few months has kind of put a new spin on things in my life. I already was homeschooling my eldest daughter through a cyber school. That was stressful enough. Now I will have two officially in school. Our middle daughter with ODD and some learning delays. I am feeling quite nervous. Prayers are greatly appreciated.
And what is up with me getting this panic disorder? I used to think people were nuts if they couldn't control anxiety on their own. I had learned to do it...so why can't everyone. Oh boy...arrogant thinking! I definitely need more support from my DH and some help would be nice. I appreciate his good work ethics but this parenting thing is really hard work. Running kids to different activities through the weeks is draining along with homeschooling, the never ending household tasks, etc. Not too mention our fur babies definitely add to my work load. I also have hardly any allowance to go anywhere. It is upsetting to DH if I go to my mom's more than twice a week. I have come so far in my recovery on this. To be able to go anywhere is special after experiencing not being able to do so. The panic attacks were coming back. I am now upped on the zoloft to 75mg. After three days on the higher dose I noticed a difference...a good difference. Today I felt better than I have in a few weeks. The doctor I seen the other night wants me to keep a journal of my daily symptoms. She said the mouth sores, inflammation in my ribs/breastbone, etc was a flare. I made the call to my insurance about starting counseling. Now to get that ball rolling. Nervous but also optomistic about it.
Speaking of fur babies. Last Tuesday evening when leaving the farmers market I hit a little black kitten. It was horrifying. I didn't even see her until it was too late. I hit my breaks but we had impact. I had to turn around and drive back around to get to her. I watched in horror as this tiny kitten lay in the middle of the lane, head up and looking around. Cars and trucks just kept driving right over her. Thank God noone else hit her. I had our swimming gear in the van, so I quickly grabbed a beach towel. I ran up to her, looked around to make sure I seen no blood or organs. I gently picked her up and cradled her tiny frame in the towel. I just cried and cried. I begged her for forgiveness. She just looked up at me. No movement. Fleas jumping off her. My Mom held her the ride home. She felt the kitten moving it's head. I didn't think she was going to make it. FFWD to now...she is getting more vibraint every day. We all adore her. I hit her along her spine. She has extra toes. She was very thin and you can see she is gaining. She eats all the time and poops just as much, lol. What a precious little creature.
I celebrate the fact DH and I were able to spend a solid hour alone late Saturday night :) However, the phone rang with Lilly crying on the other end that she wanted her momma. I couldn't stand her heartbreaking cries. So off i drove to pick her up. As I went to enter my van my foot hit something metal. I got a good look and seen it was a metal hanger, opened up and bent. I can only imagine that someone had been trying to break into our van. Or perhaps they threw it next to the van to hide it because they were trying to get into someone else's vehicle? Who knows. People around here drive me nuts. I know I am never going to find a perfect area to live in...but man some people :/
These are the things that make me go hhhmmmmm of late :)
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ReplyDeleteI am so delighted the kitten survived. A couple of years ago I hit a cat with my car. Cats are so fast! I am a cat lover from childhood, always had one or two or three in the house. Love cats. The one I hit was full grown, long silver grey coat, irreparably damaged. I lifted her to the grassy verge and stay with her to make sure she didn't suffer any more. I prayed she would pass quickly and told her that I was sorry. I get teary just remembering. Soon she took her last breath and I stroked her and left her there. I was a mess.
ReplyDeleteI have suffered with anxiety all my life. I only came to this acceptance in the last ten years and I am 55 now. My mother and sister both have it but deny it.
One of my daughters suffers too. The other three bio kids are fine. I am thankful for that.
I can look back now and see how I created anxiety in the lives of my children. If they were staying somewhere to play or sleep over I would always say, "and if you need me, call me". I think I set them up to need me when they might have had a wonderful time if I hadn't said that and planted my own seeds of anxiety in them. Often they called me and I would go get them. Now I can see why. If you speak confidence and security in your children they respond accordingly. If you speak anxiety and fear, they can catch that too.
It's a tough call being a momma. It's a life of sacrifice but extreme satisfaction and extreme challenges. I have to always look at myself and see my weaknesses and work on them. I have home schooled my children. The one who learned the most through the last 26 years has been ME!
Now they are mostly grown up, 30, 28, 26, 17 and now my foster daughters chosen by the Lord to help grown me up even more, they are almost 17 and 8.
I don't think it really matters where you live, life is not about other people or places, it's about our heart condition, our self talk and our peace inside ourselves. Of course we need to feel safe and secure, but anxiety can make anywhere seem like the wrong place. Any people, the wrong people.
Faith is all that has saved me from my own rampant anxious fears and thoughts. Faith has kept my feet on the ground through all the rough times, marriages going sour, losing babies, family and friends being unfaithful, disappointments and losses.
With my faith I can know God has a plan for my life, He understands me best of all, loves and accepts me and looks after me and my children even when I feel like I am weak and not the mother I should be. He lifts me up, encourages and reminds me of His grace and sacrifice for me, His endless resources I can call upon night and day, His faithfulness and love.
Be blessed Pam, the Lord Himself wants you to have the best life, despite the human frailties, nothing but the best life! lots of love xxxxx